


Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones (But Words Will Never Hurt Me)

by KindlerOfStars



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (after the show but before the timeskip), (not graphic and not too much i swear), Angst, Author May Be Coping by Writing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, POV Alternating, Post-Canon, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27198421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KindlerOfStars/pseuds/KindlerOfStars
Summary: ‘He needs you.’Had it been anyone else, he would’ve no less than questioned for details to what exactly was going on. But this was Alec’s brother, hisparabatai, and Magnus knew better than that.OrSometimes Alec's self-doubt gets the better of him, but Magnus is there to help.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 116





	Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones (But Words Will Never Hurt Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! First time posting for this fandom (which I'm absurdly late to, oops, but I don't regret getting into it).
> 
> I only watched the show (although the books are on my radar too), please forgive minor inconsistencies that may happen.  
> I hope I handled it properly and that it wasn’t too exaggerated or something like that.  
> Enjoy!

His phone buzzed from the coffee table, the only sound in the room apart from the jazz drifting from the gramophone. Clicking on the notification, Magnus felt a spike of dread gripping his heart, both due to the message itself and the fact that he had _almost_ ignored it - since Alec was busy, some Clave meeting or another over the course of the day, he didn’t expect a text, and if there was an emergency, he would certainly get a call.

He shook himself out of his musings and turned his focus back to Jace’s message.

_‘He needs you.’_

Had it been anyone else, he would’ve no less than questioned for details to what exactly was going on. But this was Alec’s brother, his _parabatai_ , and Magnus knew better than that.

He quickly typed back a reply – ‘ _Is he okay?’_ – before all but throwing the tome on his lap across the room and magic his shoes on.

The phone screen lit up and he was reaching for it before it could even buzz again.

 _‘Kind of. Some jackass tried to undermine him on Downworld-related discussions.’_ Oh. No matter how slow changes were made, Alec knew there would always be opposition. He hoped it wouldn’t be that bad; yet maybe it was wishful thinking.

 _‘It didn’t work, but wasn’t pretty. Insults were thrown. Bastard might’ve left without a split lip otherwise._ ’

His heart sank, even as he allowed himself a split second of satisfaction. Alec had not, he knew, been the one to raise a hand, ever the exemplary leader and soldier, yet leave it to his other half’s _parabatai_ to defend him when Magnus could not be there. He owed Jace for this one.

_‘Where is he?’_

_‘Not sure. There’s a tingle in my hands though.’_

_Damn it. ‘I’m on my way.’_

* * *

It may have taken almost an hour, half-running around the Institute, but finding Alec he did. He found him in one of the more secluded training rooms, far away enough to be out of the way of guard rotations or wandering individuals, hitting a punching bag.

What worried Magnus, making his stomach turn uneasily, was the dark liquid that stained the fabric of the bag and seemed to have dripped across the floor.

In that moment, Alec stiffened as he sensed he was not alone anymore, relaxing marginally upon recognising him. Before Magnus could do more than walk a couple of steps, he furrowed his brow, apparently concerned.

“Are you okay?”

 _Am I okay-_ To say he was baffled would be understatement. Here was Alec, punching his way to torn and bloody fists, and he was the one asking Magnus if _he_ was okay?

Keeping his expression neutral, he decides to go with it. “Honestly, no, I’m not okay…” He walks closer then, resting a hand on Alec’s arm, feeling the muscles tremble under his touch.

Something in that action or his tone, or perhaps a shared memory of theirs, cued Alec into understanding. “… because I’m not okay, isn’t it?”

“Precisely, my love.” He said nothing more, patiently letting Alec weight his options while maintaining the reassuring grip on his bicep until he released a shaky breath.

“Can we- can we go home?”

“Of course. Here,” he agreed, swiftly opening a portal to their apartment.

* * *

After Magnus gently guided him through the room, they sat together on the couch, leaving some space between them. He wanted to be close to Alec, but not overly so.

“You want to talk about it?”

“It’s just-” Alec sighed and let the incoherent phrase he was trying to string together fade, frustrated at his lack of words. He flexed his fingers deliberately, testing how far he could bend them until it hurt. Until it hurt more than the whirl of agitation he felt.

Magnus gently grabbed his hands before he could repeat the motion, letting one hand linger in the air, gleaming with light blue sparkles. It was a wordless request, ever so kind as only Magnus would be, and he nodded silently in both response and gratitude.

Alec then moved his attention to his left wrist, fiddling with his bracelet instead, a habit he was trying to apply at Magnus’ suggestion.

To be fair, although he had been thinking about getting something like that for a while, he hadn’t exactly planned when. It had been one day, walking by a street market, that Alec had seen it. It was a soft braided bracelet, mostly black, with golden glitter elegantly embedded in the fabric.

He had shown it to Magnus later, and was met with a proud and sympathetic – but never pitying – gaze.

_“Glitter, Alexander? It seems I’m a good influence on your fashion sense after all.”_

The attempt at levity had gone over Alec’s head at the time, since as usual, his brain-to-mouth filter assisted in absolutely nothing around Magnus. _“It’s the same gold as your eyes.”_

Magnus had blinked once, then twice, before smiling brightly, fondness and admiration blossoming in his chest.

They had spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling on the couch, a movie that neither of them were really watching on the TV, and from then on, the bracelet was a gentler, healthier way to keep his hands busy when he felt himself spiralling.

It wasn’t a solution, yet the physical attention shift helped. _Even if not always, it does._

“It’s stupid. It’s not even that important.”

“Everything is important when it’s affecting you, Alexander. And while you may be many things, stupid is _not_ one of them.”

Magnus pondered for a few seconds before continuing and hazarding a guess at the issue.

“Do you care about what people think of you?” It was a frank question, free of disapproval and full of only concern.

“No,” he answered, too fast. The metallic, sour aftertaste in his mouth was a betrayal to the uncertainty of his reply. Or maybe it was just blood from when he unintentionally bit his cheek earlier. “Yes? Sometimes I feel like I’m... not the right person for this position. How can I be in charge of anything, let alone trying to change things, if I can’t even deal with a few snide remarks about favouritism without-” his voice cracked at that point, and he gestured indistinctly to himself.

 _Oh, Alexander._ A familiar spark of bitterness flickered inside him, but he released it with a deep exhale, before the thrumming under his skin could turn into rage. With no near, clear target, it would serve him nothing beyond making Alec feel worse. There wasn’t much Magnus wouldn’t do to avert that.

If only his angel hadn’t been educated under such unreasonable pressure, trying to uphold unattainable expectations, perhaps he would not feel so inadequate. Oh, the heights he would’ve reached already without those restraints.

“You don’t have to shoulder everything, Alexander. Yes, you may be in charge, but that’s not a reason to take to heart every comment and endure every ill-advised opinion of some of your peers.”

Alec inclined his head, conceding the point. “Perhaps. But what if-”

The accusations from earlier still swirled around in his mind. _“...no longer the obeying soldier, are we? You’re not strong enough to be a leader, you’re just a feigned defender of peace who’s trying to change the system because he’s a warlock’s boy toy!”_ He didn’t believe them, yet sometimes his insecurities flared up, leading to this profound feeling of self-doubt. _Leaders don’t doubt themselves._ “What if they’re right?”

Then, as if a thought had suddenly struck him, a humourless laugh bubbled out of him unbidden. “Maybe I am the problem! What if, regardless of what I do, all my efforts can ever result in is more dissatisfaction and no progress? By the Angel, look at how the Downworld Cabinet went down.”

Magnus winced almost on instinct. In his endeavour to do right by his people, he had reprehensibly accepted that choosing between his heart and his duty was a necessity. The Soul-Sword deception had hurt – _of course it had_ – yet saying he didn’t regret his decision, at the very least partly, would be one of biggest lies of his very long life.

Sensing the warlock tensing up next to him, Alec immediately wished he could take back those last words – hell, he could simply have phrased it differently, and that only gave more fuel to the turmoil inside him. “I’m sorry Magnus, I didn’t mean it like that.”

He then let a playful, if small, smile settle in his lips, more for his husband’s sake than his own. “I sucked at practicing what I preached didn’t I?”

Magnus chuckled in response. “I’m afraid so, darling. However, I have a share of blame of my own from that time as well.”

They settled back into a more comfortable position with Alec shifting closer against his chest with a sigh. Still, he could tell the tension wasn’t completely gone. There was something unsaid that needed to be asked.

“You can ask me whatever you want, Alexander. You’ll never get judgement from me, you know that.”

Several minutes wore on, not that he cared for it. Magnus was nothing if not patient, and he definitely wasn’t in a rush.

“Do you think I’m good enough?”

Curse it all to hell, Magnus knows both of them have been there before.

Here and now though, it’s not the words alone, but Alec’s tone – so unbearably exhausted and defeated – that deeply unsettles Magnus, an echo of emotions he had felt himself years ago, and he focuses all of his willpower into keeping his voice calm and carefully considering how to word the point he needed to make.

He took Alec’s hands in his again, waiting for a returning squeeze to make sure he had his full attention.

“Of course, you are. More than enough. You’re everything.” _And I’ll tell you every day if I have to._ “You did so much already, will do so much more. You are kind and determined, loyal and selfless, sometimes to the point of being detrimental to yourself. We all need you; _I need you_.”

“Also...” _Please don’t let this be too much._ “Self-doubt is not a sign of weakness. If anything, it’s a sign that you _care_. And you are one of the most caring people I know. You worry deeply whether you’re making the right decisions, and that only adds to how fit to be a leader you are.”

Magnus sensed, more than heard, a shuddering breath coming from Alec. It revived the ache in his heart, and even as he felt tears welling up in his own eyes, he ran his fingers through Alec’s hair, an action he had long learned to be calming for his love.

“Promise me one thing, Alexander. Please, let me know when it gets too much. Okay?”

He felt Alec nod against him, which ended up seeming more like a gesture of comfort seeking. Perhaps it was both, or neither. Whatever the case, Magnus decided not to mention it, simply tightening his embrace. With that, Alec _finally_ relaxed, whispering a soft _thank you_ , and Magnus knew he chose well.

Alec’s emotions had been all over the place throughout the day, yet now, being not only told but shown with such sincere intensity, how _loved_ he was, they settled into a sense of serenity and affection. It was an assurance that there would always be someone that would love him for everything he was, without reservations.

So, naturally, Alec laughed, brightly and earnestly.

“What’s so funny, sweetheart?”

“The fact that you’re with me, that you care for me, that I am so unbelievably lucky. But it’s not funny. It’s _exhilarating_ and _soothing_ and everything in-between.”

Magnus felt his expression soften, warmth nestling comfortably around his heart. If anyone had told him a century ago that he would feel like this, a deep connection he never had before, not _truly_ , and that he thought he would never have, Magnus probably would’ve laughed in their face. And here he was, thoroughly and immeasurably _happy_.

“I love you, my angel. More than I can ever fathom.”

“I love you too, Magnus.”

Maybe Alec was not okay, not entirely and not right now. But it was a start, a foundation that he could build on later, and for which Magnus would be there to help him. They both had their bad days, their low moments, but they would always be there to keep the other up and help them reach their greatest heights.

So, yes, even if maybe everything wasn’t all right, it would be eventually. They loved each other enough for that after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I'm sure the premise is not that original (I've seen similar fantastic ones going around), but I hope it was good enough.  
> Comments are always welcome :)
> 
> Stay safe everyone.


End file.
